Good news Kings fans! I've done some very serious analysis of the 2013-14 schedule, and have reached the definitive conclusion that the Kings will go 47-35 this year. I divined this knowledge using a standard quarter that might have magical powers (prove it doesn't!). But a simple coin flip isn't enough to convince you, obviously. So I looked into the future and figured out why the coin gave the result it did.
Behold.
| October | Opponent | Heads | Tails | Analysis |
| Wed 30 | vs Denver | 1 | Kings win home opener behind a charged up crowd. Brian Shaw abandons his offense after the first quarter and implements the triangle offense. Hilarity ensues as JaVale McGee has no idea what a triangle offense is supposed to look like. | |
| November | Opponent | |||
| Fri 1 | vs L.A. Clippers | 1 | The Kings lose to the mighty Clippers. The Clippers somehow have six starters in double digits. | |
| Sat 2 | @ Golden State | 1 | Sacramento marches into the Bay Area and steals a win. On the way back to Sacramento, they also steal Travis Schlenk and a desk lamp that Vivek was always fond of. | |
| Tue 5 | vs Atlanta | 1 | The Atlanta Hawks drop the Kings. By now the rest of the NBA has realized how dumb they were for not offering Paul Millsap a big contract. | |
| Fri 8 | @ Portland | 1 | Portland loses the game, but CJ McCollum says all the right things after the loss. The media swoons. | |
| Sat 9 | vs Portland | 1 | Portland wins the game, and CJ McCollum says all the right things. The media predicts McCollum as Rookie of the Year. | |
| Wed 13 | vs Brooklyn | 1 | The Kings defeat the new-look Nets as Jason Kidd has mysteriously forced his entire team to adopt his free throw line routine. The Nets go 1-32 from the charity stripe as the Kings sneak out a 3 point victory. | |
| Fri 15 | vs Detroit | 1 | Brandon Jennings scores 42 and dishes out 1 assist as the Kings struggle to string together consecutive wins. | |
| Sun 17 | vs Memphis | 1 | Sacramento's victory over the Grizzlies is fueled by Carl Landry, who says his superb play was inspired by a recent StR meme. | |
| Tue 19 | vs Phoenix | 1 | The Kings defeat the Phoenix Suns because LOL c'mon of course | |
| Wed 20 | @ Phoenix | 1 | And just like that the Kings have a 3-game win streak. Pessimistic fans argue that we do not have any more back-to-backs against the Suns, and we should enjoy this lone win streak. | |
| Sat 23 | @ L.A. Clippers | 1 | The Clippers stumble when DeAndre Jordan tries to use this game to prove himself better than DeMarcus Cousins. | |
| Sun 24 | @ L.A. Lakers | 1 | Old habits die hard. Following an inspiring win, the Kings have a let-down game against the lowly Lakers. Still, the recap is fun to write because we get to use the phrase "the lowly Lakers" | |
| Fri 29 | vs L.A. Clippers | 1 | Trouble had been brewing in Los Angeles, and tensions between Chris Paul and Blake Griffin have begun to bubble to the surface. Paul refuses to pass to Griffin, and actually steals the ball from Griffin on three different occaisions. Doc Rivers looks exasperated. | |
| December | Opponent | |||
| Sun 1 | vs Golden State | 1 | The Kings defeat the Warriors, and steal some snacks from the Warriors team bus as Golden State is in the showers. | |
| Tue 3 | vs Oklahoma City | 1 | The Kings lose to the Thunder because Kevin Durant is still really really really good. | |
| Fri 6 | vs L.A. Lakers | 1 | The Kings lose to the Lakers because Nick Young goes off for 45 points. Marcus Thornton scores 25 and considers the game a success. | |
| Sat 7 | @ Utah | 1 | The Utah Jazz lose a nail-biter as they inexplicably bench their starters for the second half. The Jazz organization denies allegations of tanking. | |
| Mon 9 | vs Dallas | 1 | Monta Ellis have it all | |
| Wed 11 | vs Utah | 1 | Under intense scrutiny from the league, the Jazz play their starters normal minutes for the first time all year. Well-rested, the starters run the Kings off the court and win easily | |
| Fri 13 | @ Phoenix | 1 | The Kings defeat the Phoenix Suns because LOL c'mon of course | |
| Sun 15 | vs Houston | 1 | It's only mid-December, but it's already apparent that Houston's team chemistry is being strained by Dwight Howard recent request to be traded | |
| Tue 17 | @ Charlotte | 1 | Kings players attempt to guard players in Hornets uniforms, and accidentally end up guarding fans as the Bobcats score with ease | |
| Wed 18 | @ Atlanta | 1 | Nobody can stop Kyle Korver, so the Kings don't even try. | |
| Fri 20 | @ Miami | 1 | This LeBron guy is pretty good, I guess. | |
| Sat 21 | @ Orlando | 1 | Victor Oladipo can't guard Greivis Vasquez, who finishes with 17 assists. | |
| Mon 23 | vs New Orleans | 1 | Tyreke Evans drops 42-13-8, and then goes on an uncharacterically brash post-game rant in which he blasts Vivek, Cousins, Westphal, and Pooh Jeter. Turns out Tyreke has a fever of 102.1, making his stat line even more impressive. | |
| Fri 27 | vs Miami | 1 | Luc Bah a Moute holds LeBron to 6 points on 12 shots. DeMarcus Cousins posterizes Greg Oden. | |
| Sun 29 | @ San Antonio | 1 | Popovich inexplicably decides to rest his bench, playing his starters for 48 minutes. | |
| Tue 31 | @ Houston | 1 | Sacramento wins, but only after a 40 minutes delay when the ball gets lost mid-game. It is eventually found in James Harden's beard. | |
| January | Opponent | |||
| Thu 2 | vs Philadelphia | 1 | The tank rolls on. | |
| Sat 4 | vs Charlotte | 1 | The Kings guard the right players this time, they just guard them poorly. | |
| Tue 7 | vs Portland | 1 | Portland loses the game, but CJ McCollum says all the right things after the loss. The media swoons. | |
| Fri 10 | vs Orlando | 1 | Greivis Vasquez can't guard Victor Oladipo, who finishes with 25 points | |
| Sun 12 | vs Cleveland | 1 | Kyrie Irving is the best player in the world and Cleveland fans will fight you if you suggest otherwise. Bynum wears a very nice suit to the game. | |
| Tue 14 | @ Indiana | 1 | Ben McLemore lights up Paul George, who is quoted after the game as saying "Maybe I'm not a defensive specialist. It's time to do some soul searching". George isn't seen or heard from for three weeks. | |
| Wed 15 | @ Minnesota | 1 | The Kings defeat the Timberwolves because Kevin Martin sits out the game with a calf injury. Soft. | |
| Fri 17 | @ Memphis | 1 | The Kings win a close one as Ed Davis misses a potential game-winner at the buzzer. Lionel Hollins mutters to himself "See?" | |
| Sun 19 | @ Oklahoma City | 1 | Serge Ibaka registers 27 blocks in an NBA game. | |
| Tue 21 | @ New Orleans | 1 | Ryan Anderson lights up the Kings from the corner. Tyreke is feeling much better and adds 18 points off the bench. | |
| Wed 22 | @ Houston | 1 | Houston's season has spiraled out of control as Dwight Howard continues to waver on whether or not he wants to be traded. | |
| Fri 24 | vs Indiana | 1 | Paul George is still missing, and the Kings easily dispatch the Pacers. David West scowls. | |
| Sun 26 | vs Denver | 1 | JaVale McGee keeps getting distracted by Brian Shaw shouting "triangle" from the sideline. "The court is a rectangle", JaVale thinks to himself. | |
| Mon 27 | @ Utah | 1 | The Kings easily win as Gordon Hayward has been shut down for the season following a pretty serious stubbed toe. | |
| Wed 29 | vs Memphis | 1 | Memphis wins by like 30 points, cause that just seems to happen once or twice a year against the Kings. | |
| Fri 31 | @ Dallas | 1 | The Mavericks are the darlings of the West, having won 11 straight. | |
| February | Opponent | |||
| Sat 1 | @ San Antonio | 1 | The Spurs rest their starters, the Kings are no match for San Antonio's bench. | |
| Mon 3 | vs Chicago | 1 | Derrick Rose thinks he'll be ready to play any day now. | |
| Wed 5 | vs Toronto | 1 | Look, Rudy Gay is going to have a great game every now and then. If you happen to be on the receiving end of it, you just accept it and move on. | |
| Fri 7 | @ Boston | 1 | In which it is definitively settled that DeMarcus Cousins is better than Jared Sullinger | |
| Sun 9 | @ Washington | 1 | You'd think they'd be used to it by now, but the Wizards spend a good chunk of the game being distracted at how skinny Otto Porter's legs are | |
| Tue 11 | @ Cleveland | 1 | Kyrie Irving is the best player in the world and Cleveland fans will fight you if you suggest otherwise. Bynum wears a very nice suit to the game. | |
| Wed 12 | @ New York | 1 | Carmelo Anthony scores 38 points as the Knicks lose. Marcus Camby and Kenyon Martin duck out after the first quarter to grab an early dinner. | |
| Wed 19 | vs Golden State | 1 | The Kings defeat the Warriors and steal Steph Curry's shoes. | |
| Sat 22 | vs Boston | 1 | Boston loses despite 12 points from Avery Bradley. | |
| Sun 23 | @ Denver | 1 | A small coup occurs at halftime, with JaVale McGee telling Shaw "The only way we're going back out on that court is without you. I don't want…your life." The rest of Denver's roster doesn't feel compelled to tell McGee that he messed up the quote. | |
| Tue 25 | vs Houston | 1 | Harden took Dwight to a, ahem, "club" over the weekend, and Dwight's in pretty good spirits. The improved team chemistry leads to a Rockets win. | |
| Fri 28 | @ L.A. Lakers | 1 | Kobe leads the way with 46 points. Kobe actually re-tears his Achilles before halftime, but using his regenerative healing power to come back in the third quarter. | |
| March | Opponent | |||
| Sat 1 | vs Minnesota | 1 | The Kings were no match for how adorable Ricky Rubio is. | |
| Mon 3 | vs New Orleans | 1 | Eric Gordon sulks on the sidelines as the Kings win a close one. | |
| Wed 5 | @ Milwaukee | 1 | LARRY SANDERS! blocks a would-be game-winner. | |
| Fri 7 | @ Toronto | 1 | Can we rename the Raptors the White Walkers? It would keep with the theme of just borrowing a currently-popular pop-culture reference that won't hold up well over time, but it'd be pretty cool for a few years. | |
| Sun 9 | @ Brooklyn | 1 | The Kings lose after being terrified of the Brooklyn Knight at halftime. | |
| Tue 11 | @ Detroit | 1 | Brandon Jennings scores 42 and dishes out 1 assist as the Pistons struggle to string together consecutive wins. | |
| Wed 12 | @ Philadelphia | 1 | Nothing can stop a tank. | |
| Sat 15 | @ Chicago | 1 | Derrick Rose thinks he'll be ready to play any day now. | |
| Sun 16 | @ Minnesota | 1 | Ricky Rubio is kidnapped by an evil alien who extracts all of Rubio's cutonium using an extraction chamber. No longer under the spell of Rubio's cuteness, the Kings prevail. | |
| Tue 18 | vs Washington | 1 | I dunno. Bradley Beal scores a bunch of points or something? John Wall, maybe? | |
| Fri 21 | vs San Antonio | 1 | The Spurs wake up just in time to secure their playoff positioning. | |
| Sun 23 | vs Milwaukee | 1 | Luc Bah a Moute reveals the secrets of Milwaukee's system. The Kings dominate. John Salmons sheepishly admits he never considered sharing that information. | |
| Wed 26 | vs New York | 1 | The Knicks have really struggled since half their roster retired at the All-Star break. | |
| Fri 28 | @ Oklahoma City | 1 | The Thunder are given a boost as Jeremy Lamb, runaway favorite from Most Improved Player, drops 25 points on 19 shots. | |
| Sat 29 | @ Dallas | 1 | The Mavericks lock up home court advantage for the first round of the playoffs with this win. | |
| Mon 31 | @ New Orleans | 1 | Tyreke Evans still feels really bad about his fever-induced rant, and he decides to let the Kings have this one. He misses a half court heave at the buzzer, and gives Jerry Reynolds a knowing wink. | |
| April | Opponent | |||
| Wed 2 | vs L.A. Lakers | 1 | Pau Gasol continues his bounce-back year. After the game he eats a pizza. | |
| Fri 4 | @ Golden State | 1 | Andre Iguodala gets torched by Ben McLemore as the Warriors are bounced from the playoff race. Pete D'Alessandro shows no emotion as Iguodala begs for forgiveness. | |
| Sun 6 | vs Dallas | 1 | The Mavericks have nothing to play for and rest their starters. | |
| Tue 8 | vs Oklahoma City | 1 | The Thunder expiriment with a new offense where Kendrick Perkins passes out of the high post, with disastrous results. | |
| Wed 9 | @ Portland | 1 | Portland wins the game, and CJ McCollum says all the right things. McCollum is runaway favorite for Rookie of the Year. | |
| Sat 12 | @ L.A. Clippers | 1 | Chris Paul hasn't passed to Blake Griffin in months. Opposing teams have stopped even guarding Griffin when Paul has the ball. | |
| Sun 13 | vs Minnesota | 1 | Rubio has recovered his cuteness after Balloony comes to the rescue. The Kings don't stand a chance. | |
| Wed 16 | vs Phoenix | 1 | The Kings defeat the Phoenix Suns because LOL c'mon of course | |
| Total | 47 | 35 |
So as you can see, it's a pretty foolproof result. Feel free to take the season off. See you for the playoffs, gang!